a hazy shade of November...

For the first time in years my mind has come to a stand-till, a crossroads, where new decisions must be made. A new career, a bright and promising path, lay before my feet but these past few weeks have proven more difficult than I first thought they would. Perhaps it is the move, or the looming glare of an overcast sky threatening winter, or the all over brownness this city has at this time of year which have crafted this particularly low-key month. I feel as though I could be consumed by the pavement or sucked dry by the city's cold horizon. Now, more than ever, I need more time just to be still and talk with God. My weakness and frailty have really come into light this month. I'm currently taking a break just to "fill back up" and organize the remains of a life I had and engage the life that has just begun. I realize that under the compacted stress of graduating, changing careers, and leaving Saskatoon my gaze turned far too introspective, too myopic and focused on the self, and I've stumbled hard.

Have you ever arrived at a point, spiritually and emotionally, to which you thought you'd never return only to be humbled and find that you had? I just did this. I guess the good thing is that tomorrow is a new day and my hope is in Christ and not the "self." My ideas of how things should transpire always stink, they're downright rotten, in comparison to God's and I have no idea why I get distracted from His perfect plan. I'm so glad He is patient with me.

I'm not going to waste any time complaining, because I have nothing to complain about, it's just that I got focused on what I don't have at the moment. It's stupid and I know it is wrong. God knows what I need even before I do and He keeps me from things that are destructive - that could hurt me and others in periphery. So things I think I need I don't really need because His grace is sufficent and His desire for me is perfect. So if I don't recieve what I desire it is actually a blessing because I am sustained by the God of the Universe who sees everything, the best I can see is through a glass darkly. I need a fresh revelation of His grace so I can see through this haze.